Life is Wonderful Now

[Upbeat Guitar Music]

Mike: Welcome everybody. This is Avoiding the Addiction Affliction, brought to you by Westwords Consulting, the Kenosha County Substance Use Disorder Coalition, and by a grant from the state of Wisconsin's Dose of Reality: Real Talks reminding you that opioids are powerful drugs and that one pill can kill. I'm Mike McGowan.

Mike: A couple of weeks ago, I had the privilege of talking to Kevin Gardere of the CEO of Bridge House Grace House in New Orleans, Louisiana. I was so taken by the creativity of the program that I asked if we could possibly have another conversation with another member. Well, today I'm joined by Dennis Farmer, who, like Kevin is a Bridge House alumni.

Mike: Dennis also runs their used car program. Now, if you didn't listen to the last conversation with Kevin, you just said, wait, what? We'll get into that in a few minutes, but first, welcome, Dennis. How are you?

Dennis: Oh, I'm great. Thanks for having me.

Mike: Well, I'm glad to have you here. I'll get into your work at Bridge House Grace House in a minute.

Mike: But first, as I was reading your stuff, you had quite the journey to sobriety.

Dennis: Yeah, it was not an easy road. It was a long road. But I made it. I'm here today. So I've known people, I know people I should say, who are in recovery and they got sober or they got clean rather quickly, you know, one or two times the treatment.

Mike: Yeah!

Dennis: They figured it out. They got involved. They did something right. And they've been sober since. That is not my story.

Mike: (laughs) I was laughing.

Dennis: No.

Mike: No, it's not.

Mike: Now you're in Louisiana right now, but you're not a native. Right? I, I think I read.

Dennis: I am a native New Orleanian, but I've traveled the country, so many moons ago, let's say, my career was a thoroughbred jockey.

Dennis: I rode race horses professionally, and that took me all over the country. And and so I am a native New Orleanian, but I've lived a lot of places.

Mike: Well, and when did you start using and what was your drug of choice?

Dennis: Sure. So you know, I dabbled with substances as a child early in childhood. But as far as you know substances addictively, I would say probably, I was about 20 years old when I started. And I think at 21, I was at my first AA meeting. So it happened quickly for me, and my dream as a child was to be a jockey. That's what I wanted. That was my passion as a child. I loved the sport of thoroughbred racing.

Dennis: I was small in stature, and I knew some kids whose dad was a jockey, so I had that in. And so that was my dream and I got to experience that albeit not for long, because addiction robbed me of that.

Mike: Hmm. And when you mentioned AA was alcohol your drug of choice?

Dennis: My first love, so to speak, was alcohol.

Dennis: That was what I was first addicted to, was alcohol. Yes.

Mike: When you said jockey maybe this is a bad assumption on my part. I automatically went to stimulants because I thought that would be a way to control weight, et cetera.

Dennis: Correct. And that's what eventually happened.

Dennis: It was common amongst people in my profession to be on stimulants for the very reason you said weight reduction. And it's really something because while I quickly became addicted. There are many guys who were able to walk away, who, I guess now in hindsight with 20/20 and the knowledge I have today, they just were not addicts.

Mike: Yeah.

Dennis: I was.

Mike: That's always fascinating to me. Whether you talk about soldiers in the war, in wars who use substances. I work with professional athletes occasionally, and some can use a voluminous amount and seem to not be as effective. Other people go right towards, I'm in it.

Dennis: There are guys. So yeah, I started with the weight thing, the stimulants, but it eventually became a recreational thing and quickly spiraled into full blown addiction. But there are guys that did the same thing. I did the same substances I did, and at some point just stopped and went on and had very successful lives.

Dennis: And that was not the case for me. I totally spiraled outta control.

Mike: Well, yeah. I talked to Kevin the last time at Bridge House. One of your mission statements is to help people who have lost everything, and that clearly would've applied to you, right?

Dennis: Clearly. Absolutely. So, I went to treatment the first time in '96 and because the people that loved me were concerned

Mike: Mm-hmm.

Dennis: And were kind of nudging me, pushing me. To get some help. And begrudgingly I did that and I said begrudgingly, and it obviously it didn't happen that time. And I didn't even complete the treatment center. I left and, because I still had some things in my life that led me to believe that I was okay.

Mike: Mm-hmm.

Dennis: And it was very deceiving and I left that treatment center in '96 and I had no idea, no clue what was to lie in store for me down the road, how much pain was gonna be inflicted. I just had no clue. And when I ended up at Bridge House in 2014. I had already gone about 20 some odd different treatment centers from coast to coast because I was another person who thought I could change the scenery and things would be better, but as they say, wherever I went, there I was, so I bought this illness with me.

Mike: Yeah.

Dennis: And I'd go to all the treatment centers prior to Bridge House for 28 day, 30 day programs, maybe a little longer, sometimes maybe detoxed in treatment but inevitably. I always ended up, you know, going back to addictive behaviors.

Mike: Isn't it amazing how the tricks that the brain plays on you to allow you to think that you can keep using?

Dennis: Right. It's to protect the illness at all costs.

Mike: Sure. Absolutely.

Dennis: I didn't know that. When I would leave a treatment center after 28 days, I really was convinced that I was gonna stay clean and sober and do good. And sometimes i'd go months and sometimes the same day I left.

Dennis: I swear and I was fine and I was an hour later I was at a liquor store and a [unintelligible], pretty crazy.

Mike: Yeah. And then, because you referenced the first time you went to treatment, then you mentioned 2014, so we're talking over a decade, right? Of in and out and spiraling up, spiraling down.

Dennis: I do the math sometimes. So my sobriety date is 2016 September. So I'm coming up on nine years. I'll have nine years.

Mike: Congratulations.

Dennis: Thank you. September 13th. So I do the math. I got sober in 2016. I went to my first recovery meeting in '91. So we talk a lot about bottoms.

Mike: Mm-hmm.

Dennis: So I kept thinking, golly, I hit a bottom this time, you know? But every time, like the bottom, I heard someone saying to me one time, it was like every time I thought I couldn't go any lower, like a trap door would open up.

Mike: (laughs) Yeah.

Dennis: To eventually being homeless. A stereotypical homeless guy would, flying, we call it, flying a sign, begging for money at an intersection. And completely letting myself go. When I think about it, if I stop long enough to think about it, I can't believe that I had sunk to that level, that depth, I should say. But it's common. I mean, it's not uncommon with people who are addicted, it happens.

Dennis: I never thought I'd go from being a jockey, living my dream, having a nice car doing all these things to pushing a shopping cart, recycling, to feed my addiction. And that's really what happened.

Mike: Well, and then, not to be too obvious, but you went from living under a bridge

Dennis: Yes, yes.

Mike: To living in Bridge House.

Dennis: So I was on the West Coast and it's kind of a long story. We don't have time to get into it, but I made my way to the Bay Area of California from Seattle. So I was in Seattle and I got offered a spot in a faith-based program in the Bay Area and at the time I was homeless in a park in Seattle, had pneumonia.

Dennis: I was probably gonna die. At least the people at the shelter I was eating at. I thought I was gonna die and sent me to San Jose to get help. And I didn't even make it into the program. I was on the railroad tracks doing drugs with the other homeless people in an encampment. And I set up shelter under a train truck, so next to Highway 101 for over two years, and yeah, I mean, and to be able to justify that or be okay with that.

Dennis: I had to stay loaded 24/7. If my eyes were open, I had to be under the influence because being sober in that environment was just too painful. Like it was just overwhelming.

Mike: How did you end up then from California to back in Louisiana?

Dennis: Yeah, so things were not good, to say the least. I kind of had an epiphany that I was gonna die.

Mike: Mm-hmm.

Dennis: Under a bridge where no one knew me. Because I was about 106 pounds. I'm not tall, but even on my frame, 106 pounds is incredibly skinny. And I thought, I'm gonna die under a bridge and no one will know. And I'll be a John Doe. I said, if I'm gonna die, I'm gonna go back home to New Orleans and that's where I'm gonna die.

Dennis: At least that's where the people that love me are. And so I ended up back in Louisiana and at first I went to Shreveport. I had some friends there. I brought all the insanity from California to Shreveport. And the people that wanted to help me in Shreveport, after they saw the insanity, they were like, oh, we don't.

Mike: (hand waving goodbye)

Dennis: Yeah, correct.

Mike: Yeah.

Dennis: And I can't blame them, you know? And so, well, they bought me a bus ticket to New Orleans and I got to New Orleans, and some friends that I've known most of my life said, why don't you think about going in the Bridge House? And i'm like, I don't think I want to do Bridge House.

Dennis: It's long term, blah, blah, blah. I said, well they have a new building. It's really nice. We think you need as long as they can give you. And, but you know, this is how delusional I was because I'm trying to bargain, well, I don't think I need that, but really, I had no clue what I needed.

Dennis: Like I was a mess. And they weren't gonna let me stay with them. So, well, let's do this. and I came to Bridge House in, I wanna say October of 2014. And I don't know if Kevin mentioned to you when you talked to him last time, but I'll consider a frequent flyer here.

Mike: Yes. Four times.

Mike: Was it four?

Dennis: Five.

Mike: Five.

Dennis: So out of five trips to Bridge House in a 24 month span. So in 24 months, I spent 19 months as a client. Patient, client in treatment here, and three of the five times I showed up with the clothes on my back.

Mike: Mm-hmm.

Dennis: And they met all my needs.

Mike: Well, that's part of the reason Dennis that I wanted to talk to you because as I talk to people around the country, that's unusual in itself.

Mike: It is not the norm to be given another crack, let alone 2, 3, 4, 5 cracks at the at the bat. Right?

Dennis: Yeah. And I never felt judgment. I never felt like, oh God, it's you again. You know, I don't know if we can help you. Never did I feel that it was always come on back, come on back, come on back. Don't give up.

Dennis: We we're here for you, you know, it was welcoming and after you spent so much time, you know, I've got to know the staff. I became comfortable with the staff and I had one counselor, he was a godsend. So there are phases of the program and the last phase... He was, Gary was always my counselor, and I got to develop trust and a rapport with him and was able to open up to him and he helped me tremendously.

Dennis: But yeah, I mean, never did they say, well, maybe you need to go somewhere else.

Mike: Yeah.

Dennis: You know, they understand the illness.

Mike: You talk about Gary, what do you think finally stuck where he went? Okay. I mean, when you peak that hill and go, oh!

Dennis: So I think, 'cause I think about this a lot, like what was different about this go?

Mike: Yeah.

Dennis: Goes to all these other attempts I made. And to be quite honest, I don't necessarily know. I suspect though that this was a process for me. So I didn't become fully addicted overnight. It was a process, recovery's a process.

Mike: Mm-hmm.

Dennis: And especially the 19 months I spent in Bridge House as a client. It was a gradual getting better.

Dennis: Although if you are looking at me leaving and going to get loaded and having to come back, you said, well, that's not success, but maybe it was. Maybe it was part of the process for me and the last time I came here. I was, although I didn't know it because the ride here that morning was no different than any other time.

Dennis: It wasn't like, yep, this is the time at all. I had no clue. But perhaps I finally gotten to a place where in recovery we talk about surrender. I asked for help again. I received help. I had to get some outside help. I was probably clinically depressed. The last time I come in, and so I had to go and get some medication for that which helped me tremendously.

Dennis: I came out of it after a couple weeks of taking the medication. I'm no longer on that medication, but I took it long enough to where the doctor said, okay, we, we think you're good. And then I got really involved in the 12 step fellowship and I really got involved. I think more than anything now that helped me tremendously.

Mike: One of the things I love about your program and others like it is there's dignity in work, right. And feeling useful. From pushing a shopping cart to work. What did it feel like when they said, Hey, how'd you like the work they used car lot?

Dennis: So, let me say this.

Dennis: So part of the program is the vocational part and we have different revenue streams and job sites we call 'em, where clients, after they complete the first 30 days, which is intensive, then they begin up getting assigned to different job sites. And I remember in 2014, my first time here, them telling me that there was a used car lot.

Dennis: And I was intrigued because my story in California is very. It's a long, interesting story. That's a whole nother podcast, but one of my attempts at sobriety in California. After the bridge was, I got into car business because I was in a detox center with a guy who said, you might be good at the business I'm in.

Dennis: And so I got into it. So anyways, I get here in 2014, they say, yeah, they have a used car lot. I'm thinking, what a what? And they get a lot of cars and they sell a lot of cars.

Mike: Yep.

Dennis: What? So I immediately talked to the vocational counselor. I said, Hey, I have a, you know, I have a history of selling cars.

Dennis: I was actually pretty good at it. I loved it. Be assigned to the car lot and I was, and I was blown away by the amount of cars that were being donated and still today as the director of that department, now I'm blown away. But I think it's a testament to the work that Bridge House does in our community and has done for a very long time. So many people have been helped. We get calls all the time wanting to donate a car because we helped their son 20 years ago, or we helped someone in their family or a friend got sober in Bridge House and we just want to, we love the mission, we wanna help.

Mike: What did it feel like when they asked you to be in charge. What did it feel like given the history to have them trust you?

Dennis: Yeah, so it was my fifth, knock on wood, final time I was told, Hey, go see Gary. He wants to talk to you about job search. 'cause that's the last part is of our program, is job search, where we allow our clients to go out and get a job, stay here, pay a small part of client fees, which they get half back and find a stable place to live while they're working and staying here.

Dennis: So I said, well, he's gonna release me to job search and I'm in fear and anxiety because where am I gonna work? I haven't had work history in a number of years. I don't know who's gonna hire me. It's a mess.

Dennis: So I go up there and he doesn't say that we're gonna release you to job search. He says, Bridge House wants to offer you a position as the assistant manager at the car lot. I mean, I was dumbfounded. I mean, what? You know, because I had such low self-esteem from, you know, it robs us of our dignity, the disease. It robs us of our self-worth. I didn't think much of myself at that time, and I'm like, wait, you're gonna offer...?

Dennis: I was blown away by it. Of course, I accepted it. And then a year later, or just over a year later, they decided that they were going to move forward in a different direction from where they were going with the person before me and offered me the position. And I just could not believe it. And I still can't believe it.

Mike: Yeah.

Dennis: I work in the evenings sometimes and I'm like they had trust. I mean this used car lot generates almost 20% of our yearly budget. They trust me to run it. Mind blowing to me, mind blowing. I'm so grateful.

Mike: I love your quote though. I, if you can remember it, I'll let you finish it if you can remember it, that we aren't in the business of selling cars...

Dennis: Right. So we aren't in the business of selling cars, however we sell cars, in order to do that, we save lives.

Mike: It's just so... that's so good.

Dennis: Because I don't want people to think, oh, they, you know, Bridge House, they're just a used car thing. Yeah. We're not that.

Mike: Right.

Dennis: It's vitally important for these cars because this is a major undertaking in what we do here.

Dennis: It is a business. It's an expensive undertaking what we do here. We have 150 beds. That's a lot of beds.

Mike: That's a ton of beds! That's an unbelievable number of beds!

Dennis: Long term.

Mike: Yeah.

Dennis: Most centers I know when the Medicaid runs out, you have to go.

Mike: Yeah.

Dennis: That is not what we do here.

Dennis: And so, I stress out to people. Yeah, you know, we sell used cars but we're saving lives first and foremost. And in order to do that, we have to sell cars.

Mike: Yeah. Kevin and I also talked about your thrift store and whatnot, but this is the loaded question. I don't really expect to have an answer for this, Dennis.

Mike: Maybe it's more rhetorical. But I was trying to think, when I talk to people in the field about this. What other disease do we treat where we fund it with thrift stores and used cars.

Dennis: If we didn't have these revenue streams, we'd be just, you know, and I believe the longer you're in treatment, the better chance you have.

Dennis: But it's a shame because it's 2025 and we have all this science, we have data. We know what's going on. We know what's happening in the brain. We know this is an illness. Yet we somehow are still treating it like it's a moral failure.

Mike: Yes.

Dennis: And we're always low hanging fruit when it comes to getting cut.

Dennis: We're the easiest to go after because there's still a stigma. These people ask for it, they deserve what they get, you know, unfortunately.

Mike: Well, and especially the populations that you service and that you were a part of at one time, I mean, how do you do given where you come from?

Mike: How do you do outreach to fill those beds since it can't be just a billboard?

Dennis: We do have a person assigned to outreach, and he does a great job. He's at all the shelters. He's under the Clayborn overpass. He's putting the word out about Bridge House, but also Bridge House is just well known. I mean, when I tell, what do you do?

Dennis: Oh, I work for Bridge House. Maybe not every time, but a lot of times someone will say, we love that place. We love what y'all do. You help so many people they know because we've been doing this for so long,

Mike: And there's a really strong sense of mentorship at Bridge House Grace House too, right?

Mike: Where you have people go like you did from client to employee.

Dennis: I gotta tell you, some of the best friends I have were guys I was in treatment with back in from 2014 to 2016. Some of 'em have become very successful, but they stay grounded. They stay rooted. They know. We call it forty one fifty. 'cause that's our address.

Dennis: We all, that's our little thing, forty one fifty. We have strong connections and, and you know, sometimes guys relapse , but we are there for them.

Mike: Yeah.

Dennis: And we have people that got clean 35 years ago, 40 years ago, that still are active in our mission here. They come to all the fundraisers, they raise money.

Dennis: I keep saying it, but it's a testament to Bridge House, to Buzzy Gaiennie who really had the vision. To Elsa Peterson who picked it up after him, and now Kevin, who's doing a magnificent job of keeping Bridge House a, you know, our reputation intact and in the community.

Mike: That's really important, isn't it? That reputation.

Dennis: Absolutely. It's all we have.

Mike: Yeah. Yeah.

Dennis: It's everything.

Mike: How important for you personally. How important is your daily routine and structure in just keeping your nose in the right direction?

Dennis: So, when I first got sober, when I first, you know, completed well the, the final time when I got offered the job here and you know, I was, for the first three years of my sobriety, I was in a meeting every day and, I developed something for me that works for me. I believe that each person finds what works for them. And for me I'm probably a couple meetings a week or every couple weeks. But I have a routine from the time I wake up in the morning till I go to bed at night. And a lot of it revolves around here at Bridge House.

Dennis: 'Cause it is a job, first. It is a job, but I'm connected to recovery in such a way. There's always people coming by who are in recovery. I mean, I'm plugged in. You are plugged in here, Bridge House is a place, a destination for so many in the recovery community. They'll come by my office and sit down and talk with me for a half hour about their life, about recovery, about me, about my life, about recovery.

Dennis: So you know, I think routine is very, very, very important, especially early in recovery.

Mike: Yes.

Dennis: It's vital.

Mike: Well, I bet when you were homeless, you also had a routine.

Dennis: Correct. You're absolutely right. I had a routine. If I slept, if by the time, you know, I'd be on a three, four day binge, but if I slept, the first thing in the morning I did was grab my sign.

Dennis: 'Cause I had to go get some money for some vodka. And then once I got the vodka in me I'd go back with my sign. 'Cause now I needed the drugs. And it was wash, rinse and repeat. Wash, rinse and repeat. And it, you know, you know, addiction is a full-time job.

Mike: Yes.

Dennis: If you are addicted to substances, it is a full-time job.

Dennis: Just like when we get sober. Recovery's a full-time job, especially early on. Meetings, step work, sponsorship. It's a full-time job. I always tell guys who are newly sober, you don't need a lot of downtime.

Mike: (laughs)

Dennis: You don't need a lot of idle time.

Mike: No.

Dennis: Stay busy.

Mike: Yeah. I'll let you end with this.

Mike: I love your bio quote on your website. It's so simple. It's so good. Your bio quote is, life is wonderful now, how do you spread the message?

Dennis: So I live my life in such a way that people see, because there are a lot of people who were affected by my addiction and a lot of those people were completely removed themselves from my life, rightfully so.

Dennis: Okay. Those same people, just about all of 'em are now back in my life. And, it's really amazing and I'm married today. I'm married to a wonderful woman. I love her so much. She's a blessing in my life. We have two chihuahuas we love. We travel, I went from living on under a bridge, pushing a shopping cart. To having a life today that really, sometimes I pinch myself and so other people see that.

Mike: Yeah.

Dennis: And so I'm a walking testament

Mike: Yes.

Dennis: To the power of recovery. We do recover. We don't have to stay under the bridge. We don't have to continue living that way. There are alternatives.

Dennis: There are better. You know, there is a way out.

Mike: Awesome.

Mike: Dennis, I'm so happy I got a chance to talk to you and listen to your story and the work that you guys do. I appreciate it so much.

Mike: And those of you who are listening, you know, that we put links to Dennis' bio is on our link as well as the Bridge House Grace House. If you're interested in finding out more about them.

Mike: We hope that you who are listening or watching, find help and support wherever you are. As always, we thank you for listening, for watching, be safe and go make life wonderful today.