More Than Perfect

[Jaunty Guitar Music]

Mike: Welcome everybody, and happy holidays. This is Avoiding the Addiction Affliction, brought to you by Westwords Consulting and the Kenosha County Substance Use Disorder Coalition. As always, I'm Mike McGowan.

Mike: We try to do something a little special, a little bit different, on and around the holidays. Today, as this airs, it is Christmas Day.

Mike: We wanted to have a conversation to reflect on the things that make our lives exactly what they are. My guest today is Troy Schaefer. Troy is the principal of Sevastopol Middle and High School in Door County, Wisconsin. But it is in his role as a son that we have this conversation today. Welcome, Troy.

Troy: Thank you for having me, Mike. I appreciate being here.

Mike: Well without going into too much detail, I heard you tell a story a little while ago about your dad. And I thought, the minute I heard you tell it, I thought, what a great story to play on Christmas Day. Your dad, and for that matter, you, are bowlers. And when you were a kid, you got to watch him do something pretty special.

Troy: Yeah, no, it was pretty amazing. So you know, like most kids, my dad was my hero. I don't know if he knew he was my hero at such a young age, but you know, I had a sign made up for the show. He would have to go through all this qualifying to even make the show. Usually there was three qualifying stages to even make the show.

Troy: And he made the TV show Bowling with the Champs, which back in 1978, 1979 was a very, very popular show in Wisconsin. People were tuning in, they'd go to church on Sunday, get home and get around the TV with five channels. And one of them played Bowling with the Champs. And my dad was fortunate enough to have an opportunity to bowl on TV and he made it very, very far within the show.

Troy: But the exciting day was the day that what he considered his biggest failure was one of my most proud moments to be a son and for so many different reasons and our journey together and how we handled that much later in my adult life was I think what really makes the story interesting.

Mike: Well, take us to that day.

Mike: So he makes the show and you know, I watched it. It was on TV for 40 years in a row in Milwaukee. And I'm sure other towns, I bet Cleveland has a Bowling with the Champs somewhere, right? But...

Troy: (laugh) Most likely it's a big bowling community as well.

Mike: Yeah. So you go there and first of all, your dad must've been a good bowler to make it.

Troy: Yeah, so my dad was a very I would consider him a very accomplished bowler. I know he competed in a couple of PBA events before I was born and things like that. But so at the time I was six years old when the show aired. So you know, just a little guy with a big sign that said, Go Dad, you know, Go Dad, Go.

Troy: And you know, my dad despite him being an introvert, was a pretty tough guy. I mean, he, I'd never seen him cry. I'd never seen him, you know, show a lot of weakness. And here he is, he's bowling against this gentleman and really funny part about this, the person that he was bowling against many years later, when I started my motivational speaking company, I was speaking at the Milwaukee Bowling Hall of Fame.

Troy: And the guy, my dad, bowled this record score was in the audience.

Mike: Wow!

Troy: It was so crazy. So, but anyway, so my dad is in the final game, they would back in 78, 79, they would ball a three game total to determine the winner. So my dad had bowled the match was pretty tight and then all of a sudden you know, he had the first seven strikes and then he got the eighth one.

Troy: And when you watch the video of the show, the announcers start getting really excited, right? And so my dad, who is a naturally very humble and very quiet guy. You know, is out here now for all of Wisconsin to see, right? And his moment and this was his 15 minutes. I mean, this was a big moment for him, right?

Troy: This was to validate a tough childhood. This is to validate, you know, everybody, you know, who didn't think he was much. He's in this position, right? So now he's got the ninth strike and almost all of our I mean, I'm a little exaggerating, but there were quite a few people from Watertown, Wisconsin in the audience.

Troy: I mean, it was filled. There wasn't any room to sit and he gets the ninth strike and you see everybody going crazy, right. And so now we get to the 10th frame and, you know, kind of to preface how huge this moment is. You know, in our garage, we had a Horizon. I don't know how many people know about the car, the Horizon.

Troy: I think we had it duct tape together. The driver's side window didn't roll down. You know, it was a pretty beat up car. And then, you know, we had a, one other vehicle that my dad used to go to work with, so we didn't have much, right. And I'd never seen a brand new car ever.

Troy: And if you bowl a 300 game on the Bowling with the Champs back then, you got a brand new car. So now here's my dad in this moment where so many things, so many emotions that he had to overcome for this moment were all at play. And now he's in the 10th frame and he's three strikes away from providing for his family.

Troy: You know, getting a brand new car, which we needed. And obviously you get paid when you win as well. So there's so much at stake. And then of course, the validation, your reputation, he gets up there and it's funny because when him and I watch it, I'm a little more critical now because we're such, my dad and I are best friends, so I'm able to joke with him now about it. But at the time he gets up there in the 10th frame and he gets a strike, right? Everybody's going crazy and then the announcers are starting to talk about the car you know how long it's been since they've given away a car and the last time there was a 300 game bowled and it was a long long time. Anyways he gets the 11th strike and everybody, my mom is going, going berserk.

Troy: We're all losing our minds. We can't believe what we're seeing. And it's all on live television, you know? And you know, then the announcers are like, Jim King, get the keys, warm up the car. We're, you know, just the whole ambience of it all. And just nobody could contain themselves. This is just an exciting thing.

Troy: Back then, in bowling, 78, 79, you bowled a 300 game that had some value. Today, you bowl a 300 game. Sometimes people don't even shake your hands because it happens so frequently, you know? So anyways, he gets up for the 12th ball and you know, I thought he threw a great ball. He thought he threw a great ball and it went right into the pocket.

Troy: And the three pin kind of kicked off to the side and laid right in front of the 10 pin. And there was a collective, like, in the audience disappointment, right? Because he missed. He shot a 299 game. And It was the first time in my life and I was only six, but I watched my dad sob and I couldn't, and it stuck with me for years cause I was so proud cause he won the match.

Troy: He's moving on. He's going to the quarterfinals and it was just such a cool moment, you know, so much as a son, you know, here's my dad who doesn't say a lot of words, you know, like they asked him, Hey, how did you feel on that 12th ball? And his response was nervous. And that's all he said.

Troy: (chuckle) He didn't talk about it at all, you know, so he's a real quiet guy. But then that night, you know, I got to see the, you know, the aftermath. And instead of seeing that as an incredibly amazing and successful moment. And of course there's disappointment, right? I mean, we understand that. But to see it as a failure, that stuck with me for as long as I could remember, because I know he felt like he had failed.

Troy: And so then my goal was to, as I got older into adulthood, I wanted to do something really special is take it from a VHS and put it on a DVD. So it was a little cleaner, clearer, and I wanted an opportunity to watch it with him.

Troy: So I had him over to the house. It was over the holidays. I ironically Christmas and I, you know, gave him the gift and asked him to come down to the basement with me and watch it and he was reluctant.

Troy: He didn't want to watch it. He hadn't looked at it, you know, in years, right. And so we watched it. And you know, we, the first two games, you know, we were watching it, we were talking and then it got to the third game and I could tell he was getting a little uneasy. And you know, he was like, oh, Troy, I'm going to go upstairs.

Troy: And I was like, no, no, we're going to watch the third game. And then I remember when it got to the ninth frame, he got up and I stood up with him and I'm like, dad, no, we're going to. We're gonna watch this. We're gonna stick through this together. We're gonna watch it. So and I grabbed him and I said, you know, this was one of my most proudest moments of your entire life.

Troy: And he's like, what are you proud of? I failed. You know, I didn't get it done. And I said, you didn't fail. I said, you taught me about so much in this moment. About going after what you love, putting yourself out there for risk of criticism and people judging you and seeing your biggest moment and putting it out there.

Troy: I said, you know, much courage, you know, much bravery that took. And not only that you executed so well under what most people would consider a high pressure situation and considering where we were at as a family. I mean, we didn't have a ton back then, you know, we call a modest living family.

Troy: And you know, my dad was a landfill operator and my mom worked in a factory. So we had enough, plenty, because back then you didn't need a lot, right. And here's this big moment and bowling was the one thing that my dad identified himself with, you know, that was an identity and that's a big important message.

Troy: That's not how I identified him. I didn't never identified him as dad, the bowler. I identified him as dad, the man that I admired and respected and the man that put himself out there for the world to judge and be critical of and what he is considering a failure, I considered an enormous, enormous success. It was beautiful. It was amazing. And from that, you know, he doesn't know this, but after that bowling show, I went downstairs and I used to practice bowling downstairs with a rubber ball. And, you know, I made my own makeshift kind of bowling thing. And I was imitating him. And I did that for about, well, I was six then I've been doing imitating that for a good 46 years now.

Mike: (laugh)

Troy: You know what I mean? We have bowled together. We've won some big tournaments together and we've had some really amazing moments as a father son in that, but I still was so incredibly proud of him and what he did. And I just wanted to get the message across to him as, you know, Dad, you're not identified by a 299 game.

Troy: You're identified by the incredible human that you are. How humble you were, how gracious you were in accepting everything and how you handled everybody in your most difficult moment. Cause he was great. He was great, shook everybody's hands, spent time and talked with people. You know, these are all things that when we're fathers, we don't know that our kids are watching every little thing that we're doing.

Troy: I watched every little thing that he did, every move that he made, how he interacted with people. And I didn't realize he was that sad until I saw him sobbing on his bedroom that, that night after the show. And I just, I didn't know what to do.

Mike: Yeah.

Troy: And so I'm just grateful that my father and I had that moment to revisit it and for him to understand.

Troy: This was an awesome moment and nothing to be ashamed of. And it wasn't a failure. It was a success.

Mike: Did he understand Troy all those years later, when you explained that to him, you explained it so well, could you see it in his face? He's like, huh!

Troy: I think he understands the love of his son and that I mean, he knows he's my best friend, but he is his toughest critic.

Mike: Like all of us, right.

Troy: Right. And I think it's just like a person who they can't forgive themselves for a mistake they made and they live with that and they harbor that. And it sticks with them and it devalues them, you know, because we all have made mistakes.

Troy: We've all not been perfect. But in my dad, my dad, it just, it was a part of his upbringing, right? When you grow up in a transactional environment, What have you done? You know, it's about what you accomplish, what you do. And that's unfortunate. That's a message that, you know, my father received most of his life.

Troy: And yeah, I think in our conversations about it though, he does realize. You know, I'm so proud. And even today when you know, I've had honor scores, you know, I always tell him, dad, you know, that's our honor score. That's not mine. It's ours. Like if anything I'm doing in bowling, it's all because of you.

Troy: And it's a team thing. And every time he does something, I said, when you shoot, even today, 73 years old. I talked to him last week, 73 years old. He bowls two nights a week and he shot a 735 series and a 759. I go, dad. How many 73 year old guys are shooting back to back 700s in one week? I said, you got, you got to take a moment to appreciate how lucky you are.

Troy: And recently just had hernia surgery as well to add to that. And here he is, you know, just coming back and he's shooting 700s. I mean, he's just he's an awesome man. And I just, I think the biggest thing that I've learned also why he never seems to be satisfied as he just has enormous humility and that humility, I've really tried to implement that into my own life. I'm, you know, and watching how he handled that. And I think part of that's his humility and part of that is his upbringing. But I do hope, I do hope he's at that point where he realizes that was an amazing, amazing experience.

Mike: Did he ever get a 300 after that? And, and for that matter, did you?

Troy: Yes. So my dad's had multiple 300 games. One thing in our household, I don't think we, neither of us count. So I know, I think, I think he said eight, eight to 10. Gosh, I hope he never hears this one. But but I think it's eight to 10. And then I've, I've had more than that.

Troy: I don't know what my number is. I don't keep track.

Mike: Do you think about that day every time you, you get close? Do you think about it when you, when you bowl one?

Troy: I think the day I thought about it the most, my very first 300...

Mike: Yeah, I bet.

Troy: Was on his birthday.

Mike: Oh, come on!

Troy: I'm not joking. So I have the ring and the ring that you got back then.

Troy: They would give you a ring for an honor score. And I have the ring with his date of birth. And I still remember the call that I made to him on that day after I was done. Cause it was also the last game. And yeah, so my dad and I talk weekly. And we talk bowling every single week. So we still have the conversation.

Troy: I think at this point you know, with our bowling, I really try to make it about him more than I do me. So we do try to compete against each other. He likes to know what my score is and he's okay with it if he beats me. He said that's the only time he's not so humble.

Mike: (laugh)

Troy: Reminding me that the old guys still got it.

Mike: Well, I want to ask you too, you're a principal and you told me that you showed that video to your students which is also putting yourself out there. What was their reaction when you showed them the video and showed that part of you to them?

Troy: So it was really cool because every time I have an assembly and I meet with our students, there's always a focus to it.

Troy: And I share with them the focus and the, the focus of that lesson is where do you find value? Right. How, how do you value yourself? And the message really was talking about, you know, in our life, we don't wanna ever value something that could be taken away from us. For example, this year when I worked with our athletic leadership committee, I put a question up there, I posed a question, and I said, who would you be if everything you had in this life was taken from you?

Troy: And they wrote their responses. And for those people who are like, man, our generation is messed up and there's no hope, I would love to share with you the responses that our students have, because you know what, many of them know who they are as a human being. But, and I think they've heard that message from you so much that not to identify yourself as a basketball player, football player, but.

Troy: Now, getting back to the assembly, I said, I'm going to do something I don't do. And that is, I want to share with you about my personal life. I said, I don't talk a lot about like what I've done in the past, or that I was on a national championship college baseball team, or, you know, that I'm a motivational speaker, all this.

Troy: I don't ever talk to my students about that stuff, but I said, I'm going to share with you a time when I was really young and I came from a home and I talked about... My dad was a landfill operator. My mom worked in a factory. Sometimes my dad would bring home toys from the landfill. I wore a pair of shoes in seventh grade that came from the landfill.

Troy: We had soda coming from the landfill. You know, like I said, humble, humble background, right. And I said, and I set this up and I talked about our vehicles and you know, where our status was. And here my dad is in a moment where he could win a brand new car, like almost life changing stuff, right.

Troy: And not only that, it's on display for everybody who's watching, at least in the state of Wisconsin, right. Cause that was a statewide telecast. So I broke the 300 game up into the eighth and ninth frame. And then just the 10th frame. So I had two different clips. So I shared, I did some narrative and I said, all right, so here he is, Larry Schaeffer.

Troy: He's on a statewide broadcast. He's doing something he loves putting himself out there, trying to support his family. This is huge. Like a car in our life is life changing. I know some of you can't even comprehend that in the world we live in, but it was life changing. And, I said, think about, also, I talked about my dad's childhood a little bit, which was rough.

Troy: He had a rough childhood. You know, a lot of things that are really sad that, you know, I would like, I'm going to keep those private. But my dad just had, had it rough. He didn't have the people, you know, people who said, man, I love you. And I'm going to be there for you and I'm going to go to every one of your sporting events.

Troy: And we're just so proud of you. I mean, that was absent. And now he's here. He's in this moment. He's got his two children, his wife, the community is filled. The stands are full. His in laws, his parents, right? So after what I had just mentioned, this is like my, you know, so much to prove, right?

Troy: So much to show. And it's easy to believe that mindset. And then, so I show the eighth and ninth frame. And the great thing is the commentary, right? The announcers, they're building this up and making it so big. I didn't have to say a lot, but after the ninth frame, I had said, okay, now put yourself in his position.

Troy: You have three more frames to go to have the most life changing moment of your life. I mean, this is a difference maker. And then I played the video and I didn't let them know what had happened. For all they knew, he was going to get the 300 game. Nobody had a clue, right? So when the 12th ball, the last ball on the 10th was made and the pin is sitting in the gutter just in front of the 10 pin, the whole student section gave a collective gasp.

Troy: They're like, Oh, I mean, they were in. They felt what we felt back in 1978 and 1979. And that's when I went into the, that was the first time that I saw my dad cry. And then I explained to students why he felt like a failure. And I can remember the looks on some of my students faces like, what? That's like one of the coolest things.

Troy: I know he didn't get it. He didn't win, but that was so you could see it in their face and they couldn't understand. And I think we do a better job in this generation with a lot of our kids and giving them affirmations. And, you know, we're a little bit more coddling I would say now in this era than we were in 1978, 79.

Troy: I mean, I told the story that the first time I heard my dad say he loved me was I was 48 years old. Now I can't get him to stop saying it, you know what I mean? So helping him constantly bridge that gap. But we say we love each other all the time. Anyways, And I just talked about, you know, it was really sad for me as I watched my, my hero, my father consider himself a loser and a failure and that he didn't accomplish something great.

Troy: And he disappointed everybody. And I said, the problem is when you put your value into what you do versus who you are. You're investing into the wrong thing for one, but you're relying on an outcome to determine your value. I said, so some of you, and I said, I see it in some of our students, when you play a basketball game and you don't score any points, you went over 12.

Troy: You know, you feel like a loser and I've heard those words, you know, like, Oh, I suck. And I, no, you, no, you don't. You're just putting value in an outcome. You know what I mean? And so I just talked about like through the process that I wanted to really communicate that to my father about, I was so proud of him and it was a success.

Troy: Now, the only thing I didn't understand is he didn't win a car, but they gave him a snowblower. All right. So he got a snowblower for the 299 game. And as I told the students, You know what? I never got to use the dang thing. Every time it snowed, I had to use the shovel.

Mike: I knew that was coming. I knew that was coming.

Troy: Yeah. So, and I just said, you know, so the, the value of making sure that what you do is not who you are. And I talked about, you know, I don't identify myself as a principal. I don't identify myself as a bowler, even though a lot of people try to do that. I don't identify myself as a motivational speaker.

Troy: I am just, I'm just Troy Schaefer, man. And I love people and I'm trying to serve God and I'm trying to be the best human being I can be and all things. And that's it. That's it. That's, that's where I, where I am and all these other things I just happen to do, you know, and that's the mindset and just trying to teach that to our kids and use that experience.

Troy: It not only brought my father and I much closer together, but also to make sure that they caution about finding value in, in what they do or how much money they have or their parents have or whatever, you know, none of those things matter. And at the end of the day, no one's going to remember what you do or how many championships are.

Troy: How many 300 games you bowled? Nobody cares. They care about how you made them feel. They care about, you know, when they needed you, were you there? What kind of character are you, do you have? And, and how do you just overall treat people? And are you selfless? And those are the things that people remember.

Troy: And those are the things that, that people talk about. So it's just a really important value system. I talk to students about their values all the time. And It's just really an important message. And, and yep, they gave a standing ovation at the end of it. You know, they clapped really loudly.

Troy: They really enjoyed it. I had a lot of people tell me, students talk to me about how much they loved it. Staff talked to me about how awesome it was. It was just, people could really feel the intensity behind the message, you know, find your value in who you are, not what you do. And that's what really matters.

Troy: And that's what we should be working on each and every single day.

Mike: And now, for those of you listening, you know exactly why I thought this would be a great message for Christmas Day. Troy thanks for doing this. I really appreciate it.

Mike: You know, folks, I've been privileged over the last four years to hear so many stories like Troy's of folks doing remarkable things that bring life into life.

Mike: If you're listening around the holidays, I hope that you're finding joy, right, and community where you can. And as always, thanks for listening. And mostly, thanks for being part of our community.

Mike: Happy holidays.