The Love Habit

[Jaunty Guitar Music]

Mike: Welcome, everybody. This is Avoiding the Addiction Affliction, brought to you by Westwords Consulting and the Kenosha County Substance Use Disorder Coalition. I'm Mike McGowan.

Mike: Many of us know when we are in an unhealthy relationship, but we are often clueless about how to break truly free of them. My guest today, Rainie Howard, addresses that in her new book, The Love Habit.

Mike: Rainie is a renowned bestselling author, speaker, and leader in personal development. With over 17 years of experience, she is connected with millions of people worldwide through her teachings on self love, emotional healing, and relationship building. She's the CEO of Love Bookstore, an e commerce business, and Inspired Flow, a leadership and life coaching firm.

Mike: She is dedicated to empowering individuals to live with purpose and fulfillment. Her groundbreaking work has been featured on platforms like Fox, NBC, ABC, reinforcing her status as a leading authority on emotional intelligence, mental health, and spiritual growth. Beyond her professional achievements, and probably more importantly to her, Rainie is a devoted wife, Nurturing Mom, and award winning humanitarian.

Mike: She also hosts her own podcast, the Rainie Howard Show, I think I'm going to rename this the Mike McGowan Show, that we will link in the blurb attached to this podcast. It's a pleasure and an honor to have this conversation today. Welcome, Rainie.

Rainie: Thank you so much, Mike. It's such a pleasure. I'm excited about our conversation today.

Mike: Yeah, thanks. Now, you're down, where are you? Are you in St. Louis?

Rainie: Yeah, I'm in St. Louis, Missouri, so we're midwest.

Mike: Yeah, well, we're in the same time zone, but different ball teams we root for, so.

Rainie: (laugh) Oh, yeah. Where are you located?

Mike: I'm up in Milwaukee, or near Milwaukee.

Rainie: Okay, so who do you root for?

Mike: Well we don't want to get into that, but I root for the Brewers, and of course, our only time in the World Series, you guys took it away from us, so. Thats the way it goes.

Rainie: Oh, sorry.

Rainie: Sorry to do that.

Mike: Well, you know, I loved your book, first of all. And let's just get right into it, because there's so much. You identify personal traits that enable pain and suffering right off the bat.

Rainie: Yes.

Mike: But on the surface, the traits you identify as enabling pain and suffering seem like desirable characteristics, right?

Rainie: Yeah. Yeah. They're often the characteristics that people tell us that we should be. You know just giving of ourselves, and I'm always here, always giving a listening ear, and I'll do whatever you need, all of that. Yeah.

Mike: There's a fine line between being accommodating, and going over the top and not putting yourself first ever.

Rainie: You know, I am a living witness of that. I had to learn that. Actually, I didn't learn it until like my late 30s. So I feel like at that point, I was just at a breaking point where I felt like, okay, I'm going to lose myself completely mentally, emotionally, physically if I don't do something. I was depressed at that time.

Rainie: I was going through anxiety. I was having panic attacks. Because I had been living my life and putting everything and everyone before myself. And I got to a point where I was just depleted, you know, there was nothing left of me and I had to learn how to prioritize myself, which, yeah, so all of that I was a big people pleaser.

Rainie: And just losing myself and trying so hard to make everybody else happy and to accommodate everyone else that I didn't even know what I needed and what was important for me at that time.

Mike: Well, and with the minute you start to put yourself first, you get the other side of the backlash, which is you're selfish.

Rainie: Right, exactly. You know I can remember being told as a teenager by another adult, one of my family members, that I was selfish because I was just being a teenager. But even though I was the oldest, I had so many responsibilities. Get home from school, clean up, cook for my siblings. My mom was working late nights, single parent home.

Rainie: And I had all of this responsibility and once I wanted to, like, do my own thing and be a teenager, I was told you're being selfish. So can you imagine what kind of adult you become when you are already programmed to be so responsible as a child? Yeah. And that, that's really where I was in that place.

Mike: Well, and that's what I liked about your book because what you just described in like four sentences there, I bet anybody listening to this is like, well, that sounds like the way I grew up. And this isn't just on the way side of the continuum. This is the messages a lot of us get while growing up.

Mike: You identify, I love acronyms. So you use the word love as an acronym for the love habit.

Rainie: Yes, yes. So, in the process of me healing and really finding the techniques that were for me to implement in my life, the self care techniques, the daily routine, in the midst of me discovering that, I discovered the love habit, which is the acronym for listen, which is you want to listen, L, learn about yourself, listen to your body.

Rainie: How are you feeling, you know, when you wake up in the morning, what is it that you need? Paying attention to yourself. Going within, listening to your inner voice. So listen is the L. Then O is for optimize. You want to begin to optimize your habit. You need to, as you learn yourself, you're going to learn what's important to you and what you need to do to be a healthier person.

Rainie: That may mean meditating every morning. That may mean going on a nature walk or having some time to yourself where you can write out your thoughts and do like a mind dumping technique of journaling, you know, whatever that means to you. So you want to optimize your habit. And then V stands for validate. You want to validate yourself.

Rainie: By telling yourself you are enough, by showing yourself because you're investing in yourself and you're putting yourself first, you showing yourself that you are important. So the more I would do these daily habit routines for myself, the more I began to have more confidence, more self worth because I'm like, Oh, I'm important.

Rainie: I come first now. So at first it was the job that was important. It was the finances and everybody else, but now I'm important. And so that just was life changing. And that was just the way of me validating myself. And then finally, E is about experiencing. You want to begin to experience the life you desire, the love you desire, the relationships you desire, by first giving that to yourself.

Rainie: And so, yeah, so that is the acronym love for the love habit.

Mike: Well, and it's not easy to do, right? The change that you're talking about takes time and patience, right?

Rainie: It does. And it becomes a part of your identity because you begin to make it a habit. It becomes a habit. It takes time, just daily practice, you know, and really, cause some people want it overnight.

Rainie: They just want happiness. They want love. They want happy relationships, healthy. They want it now. And they're like, I'm just so tired, but it, you got to start where you are. And take it moment by moment, day by day. Yeah. And it really is a process.

Mike: What are the personal positive traits that you strive for?

Rainie: So, some of the ones I strive for is, first of all, confidence. Having confidence every day. And just that's big because It will turn your loom and gloom and you know, the energy of feeling down, it will boost you up. And so I like to start my day by exercising and that gives me a lot of confidence. (laugh)

Rainie: It makes me feel stronger. It makes me feel energetic. And so, if I can exercise or move or walk or run or do something active, even if I'm feeling down, I get to move in my body, I'm going to feel a little better because I'm moving that down energy. I'm moving it out of the way instead of having it settle in one place and just moping and groping around it.

Rainie: So I would say confidence is a big, big trait that I like to focus on.

Mike: You know, I write things down when I read, right? And you had a phrase in your book I just loved. You said, your behavior is teaching people how to treat you. Oh, that's really good. That should be above the kitchen sink in everybody's kitchen.

Rainie: Yes! You know, I don't think we recognize it as much that we teach people how to treat us. Like when you show up in a room, your energy, your vibration, your body language is sending messages to other people. And people are, we don't always know this, and they're not always aware that they're doing it. But they come up with some type of view of you just based off of how you're showing up.

Rainie: And when you're constantly the yes person and whatever they ask you, you're, yeah, sure, I'll do it. Yeah. You're teaching them that, oh, this person, you know, can be a little pushover. I can get them to do this and do that. And I can kind of, you know, and, and even if that other person is not really a user or not trying to take advantage, they see you as being so giving and just so open and always to say yes that they'll just keep, Oh, okay, I'll get more out of this. Okay, let me just do more, you know, and so just being aware of that and having boundaries is so important.

Mike: And not all relationships, unhealthy relationships are deliberately cruel. Some of them just become habits over time period, right?

Rainie: Exactly. It's not that people are intentionally out to get you. I really don't believe that. I believe that we teach people how to treat us by how we show up. And if we're dealing with our own insecurities, if we're dealing with our own childhood traumas, that are limiting us from being who we know we are called to be, then we might show up with low self esteem and we may show people that, Oh, I'm not worthy.

Rainie: We don't even have to say it out loud, but just the way we carry ourselves and the way we show up, the way we show up to work. And so people will begin to see that and see that and reflect that. From what you're giving, you're sending out, they'll reflect that to you. And so you'll wonder like, why is this person so disrespectful to me, but they honor this other person.

Rainie: And why does, you know, my manager treat me differently than they treat the other coworkers, you know, so just being aware of that.

Mike: You know, and later on, short statements sometimes are so powerful. You write, growth often comes with loss. And as you make the changes you're talking about, people don't want you always to change.

Mike: So you're going to leave some of the unhealthy people behind as you get healthier.

Rainie: Yeah, you know, that's the thing and I always say it may feel like a loss, but you're actually gaining something because what you're gaining is you're gaining more respect and more people who are going to see you differently and respect you differently.

Rainie: So one of the things that people often do when you grow and elevate and change, they like to remind you of who you were in the past. (laugh)

Mike: Oh God, do they! Yes, they do!

Rainie: They love that, you know, and they like, hey, I remember when you were like this, you did that. And so they want to keep reminding you like, yeah, that was about 10 years ago.

Rainie: I'm a bit different now, but yeah. And so I think it's important that you understand that growth and change is a good thing, even though it can be painful in the process. You know, it can hurt because relationships change, things shift, but I think this is why it's important to do the work. This is why it's important to surround yourself with positivity and to be focused on your journey of healing surrounded by positive people, positive messages and podcasts like this one just being in a space where you are investing in your mind, body and spirit is so important because it's not going to be easy going on this new road of growth and elevation.

Mike: You know, I've always admired people who make changes, recovering people, because essentially what we're telling them is take all of your old associations and throw them away, more or less, and go pick new friends. And for almost all of us, that is, you know, really? How do you do that? So fear, I think, keeps a lot of people stuck.

Rainie: We're actually, you are so right with that. We're actually conditioned. Mentally our minds are conditioned to stay the same. And fear is like, our subconscious is constantly warning us, like, don't go into the unknown. Stay here it's safe. We know how it is. But that's the only way of growth is being willing to step into the unknown.

Rainie: And so fear will hold you back. And sometimes fear looks more like hesitation and delay. Because it's like it's okay, you could do it tomorrow. So this is your mind trying to talk you out of putting it off, even though that's, that's fear talking, you know? And I think people on recovery are some of the most amazing and just strong people I've ever known.

Rainie: Like I see someone who recovers from addictions, whether it be a substance addiction or food addiction. Like I have friends who were obese and they went through a whole new life journey of transformation and It's so inspiring, but you also notice they have to become a whole new person.

Rainie: It's like you have to take on a new identity. And being willing to do that, it can be, you know, a scary situation.

Mike: Well, because you don't know who's going to be my friend, who's going to love me now, who am I going to have Thanksgiving with, right?

Rainie: Right, right. And here's the thing, because I don't, I'm not big on just leaving everybody and walking away from everyone. (laugh)

Rainie: I don't think it's a good thing. I think even if you have some people in your life that may not be the most positive influence, but you love them and you care for them. I think you can have boundaries and you can create a space where they're in your life, but you know, when it's time for you to have more distance, you know, maybe you go and visit them once a week instead of every day, or you call them every so often, you kind of make a little space, but you want to keep the people you love in your life. I'm not big on just cutting people completely off, especially your loved ones. I don't think it's really going to help you in that process. I think not only is it going to make it harder, but you're going to be sad. So I think part of that, you already know the relationship is changing by beginning to make baby steps of creating a distance.

Rainie: But I don't think you should go cold turkey unless this person is completely toxic and abusive and there's no way for you to survive. That's a different story. But I do think that when it's a loved one and it's a pretty healthy relationship, there's just maybe some drama or some things that you want to separate from that can kind of get to you.

Rainie: You can create some boundaries around that.

Mike: Well, and if you don't create your own boundaries, how do people know when they're crossing them?

Rainie: Yeah, and that's the thing. You have to be willing to communicate and let people know, you know, hey I know in the past I was willing to do this for you, babysit for you every day of the week and pick up your kids.

Rainie: But I have some new things I'm working on. I no longer have the time, so I'm going to have to, you know, say no to these things. I'm here for you, care for you, but I'm just not able to do that anymore. You know, just begin to have those conversations. It may not be easy, but you gotta have the direct conversation.

Mike: Well, and that's part two of your book where you talk about the habits, right?

Rainie: Yeah.

Mike: Do I have these right? Think, believe, expect and then become.

Rainie: Yes. Yes. Because it starts with our minds. You gotta think. You gotta change. It starts with the habits of you. Your thinking. How are you believing? What are you believing in yourself?

Rainie: Do you believe you're not worthy of the best? Do you believe that certain things are too good to be true you know? You know, there's some people that are thriving in life and they're traveling and they're living and they have the love of their life. And there are people that see that and they say, Oh, that's too good to be true. I could never have that.

Rainie: But it's like, why not? If that person can have it, you can have it. And it's not too good to be true. You are worthy of it. And so when you have that belief that things are too good to be true, that's just a sign that you don't believe you're worthy of it. And so you just got to do the work to get there and to know that you are worthy.

Mike: If you don't think it, how can you ever get to believe it?

Rainie: Exactly. It starts with your mind. It starts with you thinking. And as you're thinking it and believing it, then you eventually become it. You begin to operate in it and show up in it. And it becomes, like I said, your identity.

Rainie: And I really talk about a lot in the book, just your identity work and doing the work on your identity, because it's you becoming, and being open, and embracing the new identity of who you becoming.

Mike: You seem like a really outgoing person. Do you have to be outgoing in order to be able to affect change?

Rainie: You know what, I love that you said that and I appreciate that, but there's a side of me that's very introverted.

Mike: I'm actually the same way. I could speak in front of a large group, but I want to go have lunch by myself. So, yeah. Paradoxical, right?

Rainie: Yeah.. I'm like a little bit of both. But, you know what?

Rainie: I don't think you have to be outgoing. I think, see, that's the thing. I was one of those people. I held on to this identity from a young age. People would say, oh, she's shy because I was quiet. I didn't talk a lot. So people were like, Oh, she's shy. She's shy. So I began to believe, Oh, I'm shy. I believed that all the way up until college until I was appointed a leadership role and in a group in college.

Rainie: And I remember telling them, no, I'm not a leader. I'm not this person. I kept telling them, they was like, no, we see it in you. You can do this. And I was like forced into a position to speak up, which I really did have that, but I was just telling myself and believing all those years that I was shy, that I'm not a leader, you know.

Rainie: So I think we got to challenge our beliefs because our beliefs will tell us we can't do something we really want to do. If it's recovering from an addiction, if it's losing the weight or having the career or traveling and we tell ourselves I can't do that, that's a belief that you can change.

Rainie: And once you change that, then you'll see, wow! I never knew I could do this, you know, because I mean, and I've been able to help millions of people and speak on large crowds and all of that, have a podcast and write all the books and it's like, oh, Yeah, you really can get out of your shell and blow your mind.

Mike: I guess they were right all along, huh?

Rainie: Right.

Mike: Well, we talked about support systems, but we're living in a time period of negativity right now. So how do you affect that positive change when we're all surrounded? And how, what do you do personally to limit the stream of negativity that comes forward?

Rainie: You know, I have to remind myself that a lot of this negativity is coming from fear. People are fearful. They're fearful of what the future could be, you know, where is the country going? What is happening? What, you know, and people are angry because of the fear. And so I try not to take it personally and just be more understanding that what's going on with the negativity and the division is really a lot of people hurting and emotionally fearful of the future. Which is the reason why I wrote this book and it's so important and I've even heard some people say this is what the world needs right now because we are in that place where we're caught up in this wave of emotions and not knowing what to do, where to go and how to make it work. So yeah, that's, that's really how I handle it.

Rainie: I really have to, I have to remind myself, like, not to take it personally, not to get caught up in the arguments and disagreements and, but just understand that people are just afraid of what is happening and where their life is going to be and, and they don't realize that they can take charge of their own life and begin to create the life they really desire each and every day instead of just worrying about everything else outside.

Mike: You know, whenever we talk about relationships, people always assume we're talking about love relationships, but we're talking about family, friends, and also work. And work relationships require boundaries and self care too. I love the story you tell in your book, and it's so appropriate about Simone Biles.

Rainie: Yes, you know, I just got chills when you said that because my heart went out to her back in 2020 when she was really going through mental struggles mentally and she made the decision to step down and take a break and to heal and, and just to see what she was able to do. Like I wrote the book and then she came back and won even more gold medals, you know. (laugh)

Rainie: But I mean, just the fact that it took so much courage to have the entire world watching you, a whole country depending on you to win and to say, no, I'm going to put my mental health first. I thought that was amazing and I was so excited about it because like I said, it starts with our mind. It starts with our thoughts. It starts with our thinking.

Rainie: And if that's not right, and that's not in alignment with where we're going, we got to slow down and we got to get clear first before we take action. Because a lot of times people are out here taking a lot of action. And they're hurting themselves, they're stressed, they're in pain, and they're just doing, doing, doing, and they're not taking a break to go within, to listen, and to really get clear before they take the action.

Mike: Well, and as you said, you know, you wrote it, and then she comes back, does what she does in Paris, and there's a great clip in Paris, I'm sure you saw it where she was about to do I think it was the vault, and the photographers were all over her, and she just looked at him and said, If you come any closer, we're going to have some problems.

Mike: (laugh) And, There it is! She's drawn the boundaries all over the place. Like, I'm doing my thing here. Let me do it.

Rainie: Yes. You have to do that. You have to create those boundaries. You have to protect your peace. Guard your heart. You have to be willing to stand up for yourself. And I look at it like this, because we all have our inner child, you know, that's still, I always say this, I was having this conversation with my husband, but I'm like, you know, that inner child of you, of who you were when you were five and six, that still exists. It's still in you.

Rainie: The memories, all of that is there. And now it's like, Being an adult, we have an opportunity to advocate for ourselves. It's like, I'm going to be the superhero to my inner child. I'm going to protect my inner child, and I'm going to create these boundaries and let these people know you can't cross this line because I am protecting the little girl who didn't have a voice, you know, and I just think that is so important.

Mike: You know, one of the things I loved about your book is and you must have done this deliberately or it's who you are. It's not full of war stories. And a lot of times when I read stuff, it's like, Oh, here's what happened. And it's long. But you just bounce on that. But then spend most of your time talking about what it takes to heal and grow.

Rainie: Yeah. I love that you say that because as a writer, I do notice that, that that's how I write. And I don't like to spend too much time just drawing out stories and things like that, but I really like to keep it to the point because I really feel that it's important to get the purpose and the message across and not get too caught up in the story.

Rainie: Because I think when we get too much in the story, then we begin to compare ourselves instead of just doing the work, you know? So I don't know. I do that and I don't always try to do it, but it does come out like that.

Mike: That's great. You know, I want to be sensitive to your time because I know you're really busy.

Mike: I'll let you go with this. At the end of your book, you say, My peace can be found in my self care, my relationship with my husband, children, and extended family. It's always about priorities, isn't it?

Rainie: You gotta keep the first things first, you know, and that is the way for you to be able to have an amazing life when it comes to everything else.

Rainie: Everything else will be added. I love the scripture Seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness and all of these things will be added unto you. And I feel like you gotta keep the first things first, you know, and the first things first is, What matters in the end, you know, your life, your family, you know, the people that you love that are around you, that is what matters.

Rainie: And so always keeping that as your top priority is so important.

Mike: Great. The book is The Love Habit. This is Rainie Howard. This has been so delightful. I hope we can talk again. You have other books.

Rainie: I would love to, Mike. Thank you so much. I enjoyed this.

Mike: Yeah, for those of you listening there are links, obviously, to all of Rainie's work and her works on the end of the podcast.

Mike: Listen whenever you're able to listen, and until we talk to you next time, stay safe, stay happy, and I'm going to use Rainie's words here, be kind to yourself, and just keep going.