Making a Meaningful Impact

[Jaunty Guitar Music]

Mike: Welcome, everybody. This is Avoiding the Addiction Affliction brought to you by Westwords Consulting and the Kenosha County Substance Use Disorder Coalition. I'm Mike McGowan.

Mike: Life one, life two. That's the way someone I spoke to a while back told me that they looked at their own life after getting help for substance use disorder.

Mike: Well, how do you draw the line and start over? And what about those around you? My guest today will share her story and her work to help others turn their life around. Stephanie Short is a Certified Peer Specialist and Recovery Coach, as well as a Community Impact Coordinator for Health with the United Way of Door County, Wisconsin.

Mike: She is also the owner of Esares Wellness Services. Welcome, Stephanie.

Stephanie: Hello.

Mike: I laughed because Esares for those of you listening is spelled E S A R E S. And I asked Stephanie before we started, what does it mean? And she said, it's my initials. And I just spelled it out and I just started, I started laughing.

Mike: So I thought it was clever. It was great.

Stephanie: Yeah. I like those clever little things. I mean, it just It just stuck out to me, you know, to do it like that, instead of having just all capital letters of my initials, I'm like, well, I'll just spell it out. And that's, that's how that happened.

Mike: Well, I went with the all capitals for my business.

Mike: So there you go. I could have picked something that somebody would Google. (laugh) And Stephanie let's just get to it. You're recovering. How long?

Stephanie: I have almost six years.

Mike: Oh, congratulations!

Stephanie: Yeah. April 1st is my sober day.

Mike: April fool's day.

Stephanie: It is. Yep. I was arrested on March 31st. So the following days was my day one.

Mike: When you were arrested, did you go in or did they release you?

Stephanie: Nope. I went in and I didn't get out for almost two years.

Mike: Yeah. Yeah. Nothing says time to get sober than spending time in jail, right?

Stephanie: Mm hmm. Yup.

Mike: Let's talk about the beginnings. When did your using start?

Stephanie: So my using started probably a little more regularly when I was about 12 years old. You know, growing up in Northern Door County and the environment that I was in, we spent a lot of time in bars and stuff. So it's like taking little sips of the parents drink, you know, those types of things happen.

Stephanie: Got caught smoking. You know, at a young age, but it all really started when I was about 12 years old and that was smoking, drinking. And then I had tried marijuana

Mike: At 12?

Stephanie: At 12.

Mike: With other 12 year olds?

Stephanie: Yeah. Yeah. At that age with the drinking, it was at least in our family, acceptable to drink at like family functions.

Stephanie: You know, which I found out isn't really normal, you know, later in life.

Mike: You know, but we've talked about that here and you know, we're obviously recording this in Wisconsin, even though it goes out all over the place. And for those of you who don't live here, we have a different culture, right?

Mike: What Stephanie just said, taking sips off your parents drink. When I go to other places, they look at me like, what? You did what? Not every culture does that.

Stephanie: Nope, nope, not at all. Yeah, Wisconsin is they're a league of their own for sure. So yeah, that was definitely, you know, just like us being in bars when we were kids, you know, our parents would bring us, our grandparents would bring us, we'd hang out there all day, you know, not knowing that, you know, in most other places, you know, kids hanging out at the bar all day is just, not normal, I guess.

Mike: Well, 12 is like sixth grade. So at what point did it start to escalate where it was like, uh oh.

Stephanie: So when I started working actually at 14, it was more than became like every weekend. Would work from friends that were a little older than me. Cause I wasn't, I didn't have a lot of friends really growing up.

Stephanie: And then, you know, at 14, I started hanging out with... I always call them like the rockers cause I love rock music and all that. And then I found a group of friends that liked the same stuff. And then we would party every weekend and drinking and smoking pot, you know, working and it was like a weekend thing till probably the summer that I turned 16.

Stephanie: Then it started to become every day. And it escalated like really quick smoking pot, drinking, running away from home, quit my job, obviously, you know and then started doing other things like Ritalin, Adderall. It didn't take long for me to start doing cocaine. At this point I wasn't ever home.

Stephanie: And then smoking crack actually, you know, around the age 16 into 17. So yeah, it didn't take long and I was drinking and doing drugs on a daily basis. Probably until I was about 19.

Mike: Were you able to make it through high school?

Stephanie: No, I dropped out my beginning of my junior year.

Mike: How do you do that? Aren't there laws? How did you do that?

Stephanie: Well, I mean, it was the, yeah, I thought there were. (laugh) So I think I got two truancy tickets my entire junior year before my mom pulled me out and tried to put me like in like homeschooling. I just didn't do any of it. And I just kept running away. Nothing was ever done, honestly, which when I think about it now, usually, like, I thought, you know, truancy tickets would come more often, and I only got two for an entire year, and no involvement of, you know, like, CPS, or social workers, or cops, probation, you know, like, now when I look at it, I'm like, man, I knew a lot of kids that they put them in, like, an alternative school.

Stephanie: You know, like all this, that never happened for me. I kind of, I always say that I, I kind of like slipped through the cracks. I even got busted with marijuana at 16 with a possession of paraphernalia charge and no involvement with like, you know, juvenile probation or any of those things, just got a fine.

Stephanie: And that was it.

Mike: That makes what you've accomplished since then all the more remarkable actually.

Stephanie: Yeah. It's very I look back and I'm like, man, I just, really skated by, you know, under the radar for quite a long time. Even though I did have involvement with the police, it never really went further than that until I was about 19 years old.

Stephanie: And then I I got my first charges for theft of movable property for breaking into cars. And at this time and I knew I was, but I was pregnant. I was like a couple months pregnant and then did my first time in jail. But when I got pregnant, so I went from 16 to 19 drinking and partying every day, you know, and I started selling drugs, you know, just nothing big, you know, just to support my own habit.

Stephanie: So it wasn't really working, doing anything of anything other than partying pretty much all the time. Like I had jobs, but I would always lose them because of partying. And so when I got pregnant. I started getting sick while I was drinking, you know, and then, then that's how, that's how I knew I was pregnant.

Stephanie: So I always say that getting pregnant, like getting sick from being pregnant was the best thing that ever happened to me because I don't know if I would have stopped drinking if I didn't get violently ill from it.

Mike: When you ended up giving, so you quit for the rest of your pregnancy?

Stephanie: Mm hmm.

Mike: Did you go back to using right away?

Stephanie: Drinking?

Stephanie: Yeah, I mean, yeah, I went back to using pretty much right away within, you know, within a week, I think. I actually was going to give my daughter up for adoption and you know, and after I had her and she actually was in foster care for a few days and I'm like, I don't want to do this. I want her back.

Stephanie: So I went to the, you know, adoption people or whatever and because she was in foster care until the adoption went through and I'm like, I don't want to do this. I want to have my daughter back. So I ended up keeping her And my daughter knows about this. Like me and her are really close.

Stephanie: We have a really great relationship. She's really glad that her name is not Rachel. (laugh) That's what it was going to be if she was adopted.

Mike: Oh, there you go.

Stephanie: Yeah. So you know, I wanted to be a good mom. I wanted to do all those things and I just couldn't, you know, the drinking and doing drugs just overcame everything. You know I ended up going back to, you know, just full blown using. There was a time where, like, because I was on probation, I went on the run.

Stephanie: My mom had my daughter and there was a lot of things that happened. I went to treatment for the first time when I was 20 years old. And when I first went in, you know, I did it because, so I didn't get revocated after they caught me for being on the run for eight months. And I was there and I'm there with a lot of alcoholics and drug addicts, but, you know, I was there for alcohol and I'm like, how can I be an alcoholic?

Stephanie: I'm not even old enough to go to the bar and drink, you know, in my mind, that was the, the narrative and I barely made it through, I made it through, but I barely did, and I think I stayed sober for about a month and went back to drinking and using yeah, it was a long road of, you know, I just couldn't figure out why I couldn't stay sober.

Stephanie: I tried. I just didn't realize that just being sober wasn't enough at that point. One of the things that stuck out to me, cause they say every time you go to treatment, it's never a failure if you go back to using, you know, because you always learn and I did, and I didn't really understand it and it was way too overwhelming to think about back then.

Stephanie: But when I got arrested this last time and really started my journey There was somebody in my very first AA meeting that said that you have to put as much into your recovery as you did your use. And I was like, I'm like, I would have to live, breathe, eat, sleep recovery and work like, you know, that would have to be my job because that's literally what my addiction was is a morning to night till the, you know, I, sometimes I wouldn't even roll out of bed yet.

Stephanie: I'd still be like laying down and using, you know, or drinking warm beer next to me type stuff or warm glass of vodka, whatever it may be. And I, you know, and then I was like a, it wasn't like ever like a big time drug [inaudible], but that's how I, that's how I supported my habit. So I'm like, I would literally, my entire life would have to encompass my recovery.

Stephanie: And cause, so it was really overwhelming for a 20 year old to think about that.

Mike: Well, and for those people who are not just listening to this, but watching this on YouTube I'm sure they're like, well, what are we talking about here? Cause I've said this to you before. You don't look your age. So you use from 12 until the age of...

Stephanie: 37.

Mike: 37. So that's a long time. So we're talking 20, you had another 17 years of roller coaster here.

Stephanie: Uh huh and a lot of different drugs too. You know, I always say that when I look back at it that I trended with drug trends.

Mike: Mm.

Stephanie: All the way up until 2019 when I got arrested. And so back in the mid ish, late nineties, it was coke.

Stephanie: Coke and crack. And then in the two thousands I was I have a severe knee damage and have had two ACL replacements and a couple other surgeries. So I ended up addicted to opiates for quite a long time. So that was from 2004 till 2011. And then I was in and out of trouble at 2011. I had caught some pretty, you know, my first felonies and stuff.

Stephanie: And in 2011 it, I was switching out of the opiates and wasn't doing that, but it kind of that, that area, the 2011, 2012, that's when that, what do they call it? The [inaudible] spice, the K2. And then you know, the, the bath salts. So I was like, I even did that for a little bit. And then drinking was always a real problem, like in and out of drinking.

Stephanie: And then it was heroin. And I started doing heroin at about 2013, 2014. And then kind of, they got, got out of that 2015 ish area. And then went to, then it was like Molly drinking a Molly and some hallucinogenics. And then it eventually, when I quit drinking, cause I almost died from alcohol withdrawals in 2000, I think it was 2018.

Stephanie: For 2017, I almost died. It was really horrible experience. And I swore that I was never going to touch alcohol again. And I was actually trying to get myself into AODA and I had a friend call me out of nowhere and was like, Hey, I need your help with something. Can you stop over? And I'm like, yeah, just give me a minute.

Stephanie: I'm setting up an AODA assessment. Because I just quit drinking and I'm like, I don't ever want to do that again. Cause it was, like I said, I, I should have went to the hospital cause I was hallucinating and you know, having seizures and all kinds of stuff. And I just wanted the help. And when I left that from setting up an appointment, I went over to my friend's house and she had a bunch of methamphetamine.

Stephanie: I was like, I really need your help getting rid of this. And she's like, because if I don't get rid of this and get the monies to, I think it was like some biker gang. That they were going to kill her friend. So I'm like, okay. And it just happened, which was really weird how this worked out is that I called up a friend of mine who I had previously used to live with and, you know, and I was just like, Hey, I've never done this before, but I need to get rid of this meth.

Stephanie: Like, can you help me? And it ended up being a controlled by... he ended up... he ended up setting me up and along with like two other times, but I didn't know at this time, I was already under investigation from charges, you know, from, that they were investigating me on from two years prior. But I kept going to jail, like, you know, get in trouble and go into jail anyway.

Stephanie: So that's how that started. And I didn't start I was always against shooting up, shooting up was like something I would never do. And then, and then I did it in 2015. And then there was just a period of time where I did it. And then with Molly was my first time I shot up Molly. I don't know why. And then it was heroin for a little bit, but then I stopped and then I started using meth and then I became a pretty hardcore IV drug user at, you know, 34 years old, 35 years old first, first time ever really experiencing that.

Stephanie: And, and the rest speaks for itself. I mean, I had some control buys and I was doing like some meth. I ended up catching charges. Quite a few charges through this time. And it ultimately landed me in prison. And it's funny that your, your podcast is, is you're out of Kenosha?

Mike: Well, that's who's one of the people who sponsors it. Yes.

Stephanie: Oh, the one of the people who sponsors it. Okay. So I was out on bond for my delivery charges. I got bailed out from, cause I got four delivery charges in Door County. And when I got bailed out, I was like, I'm going to stay clean. And then that didn't happen. I think I lasted a few weeks and went right back to meth.

Stephanie: And then I started selling and I started kind of selling on a large scale. And I was actually in Kenosha visiting my daughter and, and I always say it saved my life because I was down there. I was going to pick up a bunch of drugs after I left my daughter, but I had a, actually a little a full needle of what I thought was methamphetamine.

Stephanie: And when they, they were suspecting me of, that I was going to shoplift from Shopko. So they called the cops while I was in the store and the cops like came and they went through my stuff and realized that I didn't steal anything, but they were already in my car outside with drug dogs. And I was like, ah man, I'm going to prison.

Stephanie: Like my heart dropped. I'm like, I'm not, I'm not getting out, you know, cause I already had an open case. And they're like telling me that they found methamphetamine, but then they're also saying that there was heroin in my car. And I was like, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa. Like I don't have any heroin. Like, I don't know what you're talking about.

Stephanie: And what ended up happening is that when they tested, I had several biggies. When they tested it actually came up positive for fentanyl. And I actually had a full needle of some of this stuff. And what I thought was a needle full of meth, it was actually mostly fentanyl. So if I wouldn't have gotten arrested, I would have died.

Mike: Wow.

Stephanie: I strongly, 100 percent firmly believe that. So that goes along, you know, like when that happened, I was just like, Oh my God, what if, you know, I would have sold that to somebody and they, and they would have died, you know, that stuff that I, the stuff that I had for me. That actually what I thought was meth wasn't, you know, I mean, it could have went so many different ways and I always, by God's grace, it went the way, exactly the way that it was supposed to.

Mike: You know, we just had a couple of guys on a couple of weeks ago who, who essentially said almost the same thing. Like, thank goodness I stopped doing what I was doing before the fentanyl rage. Thank goodness I stopped doing what I was doing before the fentanyl rage epidemic kicked in. You know, for those of you, for those of you listening to Stephanie's dropped a couple of things.

Mike: Molly is ecstasy and bath salts is mescathinone. So, you know, you, you were skating along the ridge all the way along, right?

Stephanie: Yeah.

Mike: Well, well, so did you then, when you went to prison, well, you said already that was your sobriety date, right?

Stephanie: Yeah. When I got locked up and I got arrested in Kenosha and I knew.

Stephanie: The only reason I was down there was to see my daughter. My daughter was living down there with her dad. Never been to Kenosha in my life, so I literally didn't know one person. And when I went in, no contact with anybody from the outside world pretty much that entire time. And I was there for almost, for eight months.

Stephanie: I had to take a long, hard look at myself. You know, I mean, and that, I mean, as much as it was horrible, it was the best thing that could ever happen to me. One, because I had no outside distractions. I wasn't callin' people and people weren't visiting me. I was so sad. I did a lot of reflecting on my life and like, how did I get here?

Stephanie: And then two, and I will always rave about how this was such a huge impact on my recovery was Kenosha had this program. I don't know if they're still doing it at the detention center, but it was called the Living Free Program. So when I got accepted into that program and went over to the detention center, Essentially, we were in classes.

Stephanie: It wasn't treatment. Can't call it treatment, but we were doing a lot of classes, like 30 hours a week, I think, 20, 28 hours a week, maybe 25. Anyway, we were in classes Monday through Friday, and we were doing everything from AODA, women in recovery, job readiness, parenting classes, sexual assault class, we were in a domestic violence class, codependency class, like, And I did that for 12 weeks and it made the hugest impact on my life and it just kind of prepared me for what I went through when I went to prison. Because I still went to prison even though I'm all like I was really trying not to but they're all like...

Mike: Yeah.

Stephanie: You know but still that was a blessing in disguise too, honestly, for me.

Mike: Well, did you get your GED in prison then? Or how did...

Stephanie: No, so I got my GED at some point when I went to county jail in Door County here. I think it was like 2012 or 2013. The incentive was if I completed classes and I completed the tests while I was in jail through the jail, they took time off.

Mike: There you go.

Stephanie: Off my sentence. And I'm like, well, I'm gonna do, I ended up getting like 30 days off my sentence, I think, for completing my HSED in prison, or in jail. So, that was, that was pretty awesome that I got to do that.

Mike: Well, and then, then when you got out, when you got out of prison, there's that time, right, where, okay, do you trust yourself?

Mike: Because now, You know, nobody's telling you when to go to bed. When, you know, so how long before you were able to say, I feel fairly strong in my recovery?

Stephanie: I honestly think right away, I think I came out with just guns blazed and like, I got this, that nothing was ever going to, you know, like deter me was it really overwhelming when I got out?

Stephanie: Yes. Nothing really prepares you for the overstimulation of what it's like to get out, whether it's jail, prison, treatment, that getting out, even though it's like, you know, some of it's good anxiety, it's still overwhelming, you know, and as, and I feel like is, people who have suffered with addiction, being overstimulated is a very hard sometimes to, to deal with.

Stephanie: But when I was locked up, I first worked on like my spiritual health and my emotional health. And then I started working out when I went to prison, like, and I, I was working out probably six days a week. And I, when I got back into running, I actually did a boot camp program to get out of prison early.

Stephanie: So when I got out, That was probably my hugest coping mechanism was working out. Like I ran so much the first couple of months that I got out.

Mike: Awesome.

Stephanie: Yeah. And, and cause people ask me, they're like, how'd you do it? How'd you do it? I'm like, I ran a lot. I ran and I worked out a lot because I didn't know what to do with, you know, I felt like I was going to explode from the inside out, you know, so I needed to do something with that energy.

Stephanie: But I think. Honestly, I don't know how, what was so different about this time than any other time when I got out and I'm like, yeah, I'm gonna stay clean. I think it's just everything that I learned and really not caring, you know, how other people were all like, oh, you know, let's hang out. I'm like, no, not a good idea.

Stephanie: You know, I learned to be very comfortable alone, especially going through that much time in jail, essentially by myself. Being in my own head was really...

Mike: I think that's one of the keys, Stephanie. I think you just hit on something. Being comfortable by yourself, I think it's a huge thing, isn't it?

Stephanie: Mm hmm. It is.

Mike: How did you get over the guilt and the shame and, you know, what'd you say to your daughter and all that sort of stuff?

Mike: Mm hmm.

Stephanie: So how do I get over it?

Mike: Or cope with it.

Stephanie: I cried a lot. (chuckle) I cried a lot the first, you know, you know, few months that I was in. And I think it, a lot of it, the crying and the, you know, cause I'm not like that. I'm not, I wasn't that type of person where I would cry all the time, but I did a lot. And I think it was because I just knew that I was never going back to that life, that I genuinely was not going to be the same person anymore.

Stephanie: So it was kind of mourning that person So separating who I knew I really was and who I was going to turn into helped with that guilt and that shame because I had to praise that woman that got me from point A to point B, like, was it the best? Obviously not. Did I screw up a lot? Yes. But I survived that, you know, so like just, you know, the forgiveness factor of myself, I think was the really big thing, regardless of everything else that happened that I had to forgive myself, no matter what, or I was never going to make it.

Mike: Well, you talk in your coaching, you talk about integrating the eight dimensions of wellness. You just hit on a couple of them. Talk about that a little bit.

Stephanie: So the eight dimensions of wellness are, there's occupational, financial, physical, mental, environmental, social, spiritual, and why am I always missing the last one?

Stephanie: Physical, physical wellness. So the eight dimensions of wellness, you know, is more of a holistic approach. So let's say emotionally, you know, you're not doing so well, like so like the other dimensions are going to suffer if one of them is really suffering, you know?

Stephanie: And so that's why I kind of focus on that as like with my, my coaching and my peer support, because I use a visual and I'm all like, you know, what are you doing well in each of these, you know, because I like to start out off with. What do you think you're doing well in each of these dimensions? You know, like kind of build up a little bit before, cause a lot of people can point out everything that they're doing wrong or what's wrong with them.

Stephanie: It's so hard for people to point out what is going good. And that's where I like trying to start with that. And then also, cause it's person centered. I'm like, well, where do you want to work on? I could, you know, anybody can tell you what you, what they think you should work on, but ultimately what are you comfortable with working on first, you know, where do you want to start, you know, because when you start strengthening the other ones, and even if some of them of the other dimensions aren't doing so well, you use the strength that you have with the other dimensions to help build the ones that may be, you know not doing so well in.

Stephanie: I just like that approach so much because it's you know, you can put your focus where you want to, essentially. I don't know. I just like it. And that's where I did you know, with my school as a health and wellness promotion, wellness and health promotions is that's what we follow.

Stephanie: And then that's also the same as SAMHSA. That's what they go off of too. And I've done a lot of research on it. I'm like, this is perfect. And it's just a, it's a really it's really neat. I really like it.

Stephanie: And my clients get to focus on what they want to focus on.

Mike: Yeah, for instance, if you wake up in the morning and you're living within your means, right?

Mike: And then take a walk, right and you're thinking about your life and meditate on it. You're hitting like most of them just in that first hour. But like you were saying, if you're living beyond your means, everything else is going to suffer. So just one of the areas will rock the others. Well, when, when you, it's, it's, isn't it hard to separate the personal from the business?

Stephanie: Sometimes I really follow that what the, that, that one person said to me in in that AA meeting back when I was 20 years old that, you know, you have to put as much into your recovery as you do, you know, as you did your use. So, I mean, I kind of live, breathe, eat, work my recovery. You know, my job is recovery.

Stephanie: I help others with their recovery. And then mine is obviously very important. And I mean, because I'm so good with being alone. You know, I don't need to be around people. Like I just spent this whole weekend sitting at home, chilling, supposed to do cleaning, my house didn't get clean, but I made some really good food, but that's, (laugh) that's my self care, you know, but I did, I just laid around all weekend in my pajamas.

Stephanie: It was great, you know? So I do, I do have a lot of self care. I also love kayaking and running and working out. I still do that. You know, I do have a lot of knee issues, which has been kind of a struggle because I was running a lot and now I haven't been able to run for quite a few months because now my knee is just totally shot.

Stephanie: I'm actually going in for a knee replacement consultation in two days. But you know, I just take things as they come and just kind of let it come in and, and release, you know, and I find other alternatives. And you know, I love spending time with my kids and building those relationships back, you know I don't know, I just, I think I'm, I feel like I'm really good at time management.

Mike: Well, yeah, you managed to not clean, so good for you.

Stephanie: Yeah. (laugh)

Mike: Well, you, you know, you work for your own, Esares, right? And then also for the United Way of Door County as a community impact coordinator. But you're, you said your goal is to make a meaningful impact. Do you see it happening?

Stephanie: Yes. There are struggles like, like always, you know. So coming into this role with contracting with United Way is that it's less of like what I do It's completely opposite of what I do in my business because my business is peer to peer, person to person. It's very...

Stephanie: You know, why not, you know, like you're working directly with people and making impact on that personal level. Whereas doing stuff with United Way, it's, you know, the whole, the community as a whole, like, so it's, it's an adjustment I'm learning and I feel like I'm not learning fast enough, but that's just who I am.

Stephanie: Amy, my director says I'm doing great. So it's definitely different, but I love it because. Just like, you know, for me, just like the eight dimensions, I'm doing way different approaches, like on a, you know, small scale, which isn't small. I think working one on one is not small scale, but that's, you know just like one person.

Stephanie: Whereas working United Way is doing community based things. And I love it and I love the learning experience. I'm about to write my first grant, which is intimidating, but I got a lot of support here, so they're going to help me with that. You know, and it's really just building that up because now I know what it is on a personal level.

Stephanie: And now I'm going to know what it's like on a community level. And I'd like to be able to combine all that to really make that huge impact. Not just here, but. You know, everywhere.

Stephanie: I like doing this podcast. I like doing this stuff. I'm hoping to be able to do conferences and do breakout rooms and be a public speaker is ultimately my goal.

Mike: Well, we'll do another one.

Stephanie: Yeah. (laugh) Love to.

Mike: Well, your joy and your recovery shows in your face. And that's that, yeah, that's awesome. It's a great place to end this. You know, this is the way it happens. You know, those of you who have been listening every story is unique, but they all intersect, Stephanie.

Mike: You know, there's, there's moments where everybody gets that epiphany who recovers, and I'm just glad you're still with us.

Mike: As always, we'll put links to Stephanie's business in the blurb for the podcast. We're so grateful you had the opportunity to talk to us today. Thanks, Stephanie.

Stephanie: No, thank you. I really loved it a lot.

Mike: And for those of you listening, you're welcome to join us anytime you're able. And until we see you again, please stay safe and live well.